Friday, June 28, 2013


My bra is quite ill-fitting. It is somewhat distracting to my day. As I walk down the street I notice that it is separating my breasts far too much. They also seem to be bouncing more than usual. This will not do. I imagine everyone is staring at me. Laughing at my pornographic bosom and wondering why I would leave the house in this manner. I am asking that myself. I must find a newspaper to cover my front area with, quickly. If I can look as though I am reading the paper as I walk home, I won't have to be subject to leers for much longer. However, selecting the right paper is also of the upmost importance. If someone sees me reading a certain publication I may forever be deemed a liberal hippie. Another paper might indicate a propensity for charity and collectivism. I do not need slanders on top of slanders. Perhaps I should be served better by buying another bra. I do hate to buy bras in the day time. But for this, I must make an exception.

Wednesday, June 26, 2013

Large Breasts

Although this subject is unseemly, I must confess that my breasts are very large. I do my best to keep them hidden under feathers or some kind of animal fur. But there have been instances, time to time, when they are more exposed than necessary. Generally speaking these moments have to do with a misjudgment in neckline or an exceedingly warm day.  However, today I exposed them...on purpose.

My doctor asked to touch my breasts and I let him. I don't know if it was the sherry I had earlier in the morning or the deepening loneliness. I gave in to my doctor's desires and my own. Afterwards he told me that my breasts were "fibrous but healthy." It was a strange sort of pillow talk but I appreciated the gesture and attempt. The doctor is very busy so he requested our next date six months in advance. He mentioned something about losing weight. The doctor is embolden with his requests but I am happy to be in a relationship with a forceful gentleman of means.

Wednesday, June 19, 2013


Sometimes I am sad that I am single. It doesn't happen often as I spent more years than I can count living with a man that made my stomach turn; both in his inability to thoroughly cook meat products and his general grossness. But there are a few moments when a couple of young lovers are holding hands and smiling and I think "that seems like it might be nice." Because it is nice. Once Humphrey and I held hands and smiled at each other. He had just lost twenty pounds and I had lost ten. We were on a very strict diet for at least three months if I recall. We were going to be attending a party Carole was throwing. Generally Carole's parties are fairly subdued. She doesn't know that many people and the ones she does know make me feel pretty good about my own self but also pretty sad that I am left speaking to them. As if I am like them in some way. And when they speak to me they don't explicitly recognize that I am a far better person than they are. It angers me.

Carole's party was being attended by a former sweetheart of mine, Roy. Roy was a very handsome fellow who ended up doing quite well for himself in the carpet business. Humphrey was always insanely jealous of Roy. Mostly because I often thought of him during intercourse and would sometimes remark that I wish I was having intercourse with Roy and things of that nature. I never meant to hurt Humphrey with these comments but I had to be quite drunk in order to intercourse with him so sometimes it slipped out.

I wanted to look fetching for Roy. Although I do not believe in divorce, I do think it is acceptable to have an affair if your spouse doesn't find out or at least doesn't mention it. Humphrey noticed I was dieting and decided to also diet since he was really quite fat and probably felt a sense of embarrassment and shame. When I saw Roy at the party he was still rather handsome, although he had clearly recently received plastic surgery on his nose as it was very tiny compared to the rest of his face. As I said hello to Roy, Humphrey came over and saw the tiny nose and then we looked at each other, held hands, and smiled.

Sunday, June 16, 2013

It's Not As Hard As It Looks

Humphrey always said that to me. "It's not as hard as it looks." And guess what? He was talking about his penis. And guess what? He was always right.

Friday, June 14, 2013

I am Depressed

Today I am feeling rather blue. Some days I feel quite badly and am unsure the reason. My mother and father used to call these 'gloomy days.' They would tell me that gloomy days were for being alone. In fact, they despised my gloomy days so much that they insisted I sit in my room until it had passed. My parents were very cheery people. They demanded that I smile all the time. If I was not smiling they would tell me to 'turn my frown upside down.' If I did not comply with this request they would scream at me until I cried. The crying was an indicate that I was having a gloomy day so they would lock me in my bedroom until I was capable of smiling.

My parents were always laughing. Sometimes they would laugh in bed, at nighttime, and sometimes they would laugh after work with glasses of clear liquid in their hands. And sometimes they would poke my belly and say 'tumble of bumble keeps a girl humble.' And then they would laugh some more. Even now, as I think of my darling parents I am growing sad. I must be having a doozy of a gloomy day as generally the thought of my parents would bring me a lot of joy.

I have invited Carole over to lock me in my room. I refuse to let the world see me in any way besides cheery. It is unbecoming to be upset or show any sort of grief. The only exception is when a spouse dies and even then you can only be upset for fifteen days. If the sadness extends past fifteen days then a doctor's visit is certainly in order. I was only sad about Humphrey for three days so I used the extra twelve to be sad about other things. It was kind of nice.

Wednesday, June 12, 2013


I enjoy watching television. Some people watch too much television. I understand that it can consume a person's day easily. I often limit myself to 2-3 hours per evening. If I have a lot to do during the day, I will also limit my afternoon allotment to 2-3 hours and my morning allotment to the same. Some of the people on television have very erratic behavior. They say things like, "you are a bitch." And "I will slap your face." And also, "That hair is not your own, it is synthetic and I plan to take it from your head at some point." It is very emotional.

I often wonder where the people on television live? Do they all live together? I would like to think that if I was on television I would behave more appropriately. It would be hard, as I do not eat in public nor do I like to see photographs of myself. But I would feel a sense of pride being a role model for younger persons. It is important that younger persons know that there are some people who wear shirts with bows and who know better than to talk to those in lower status positions then themselves. Also, that you can't expect to walk everywhere and that it is especially important to find a suitor with a great deal of means. Carole told me I should start an article where I impart the dos and don'ts of behavior to younger persons. She got so excited about the idea that she hugged me. Furthering my evidence that Carole is indeed a lesbian.

Tuesday, June 11, 2013

What's For Dinner

When I wake up in the morning I begin to think about dinner. I enjoy discussing the options in my head before I commit to one dish. If my day is particularly bad, I may treat myself to something delicious. If my day has gone rather well then I sometimes I like to compliment my day with something delicious. Often times my day is just so-so. This is where the real planning must begin. A so-so day does not necessarily demand a delicious treat. However, a so-so day may also quickly turn into a terrible day if coupled with a distasteful or bland supper.

My day today consisted of buying pants. I enjoying buying pants. Often my friend Carole will accompany me. A so-so day of pant shopping may turn into a tremendous day if Carole tags along. Mostly because Carole is quite fat. Much fatter than me. When shopping with someone much fatter than yourself you can rest assured that your fat friend will be quite jealous of your size and your general ability to fit into pants. Many pants do not fit Carole and I can tell she is ashamed of it. If there is a pant that does not carry her size or she cannot fit into I like to try them on and show her what they would look like on her is she wasn't so fat. I say, "stand next to me Carole and imagine you are wearing these pants you are too fat for."

Carole is not with me today buying pants, so it is less of a good day and more a so-so day. I also am not sure what color pants I want. Whether or not they should have a pattern or if they should extend to my ankles or to my calves. I am quite indecisive today which will make it much harder to decide on my dinner choice. Perhaps I should only focus on dinner and save the pant store for another day. A so-so day takes much more planning. Besides, a pants day without Carole is no pants day at all.