Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Bad Things Happening to Good People

Why do bad things happen to good people? Bad things seem to happen to me all the time and I don't think I deserve it. Yesterday I fell down. I fell down in front of an ice cream parlor and everyone was staring at me. I saw one woman pointing. I find pointing to be extremely distasteful. Obviously her friend can see me. It did not seem necessary to point. Everyone was already looking in my direction. And I know they thought it was because I had eaten too much ice cream. But in fact I had not eaten any ice cream. I only go to the parlor to eat the waffle cones dipped in chocolate. I eat three at the store and take three home to eat in private. I much prefer to eat in private. It really isn't that enjoyable for me to eat in public but the waffle cones are too delicious for me to wait. So I sit facing a corner and try not to make a scene.

I also recently gained 15 pounds. I do not understand because I am very strict with my diet. And to top it all off I was talking to Carole and she made me feel like I did not do enough community service. Apparently Carole reads to children every Saturday. I think it is very suspicious to read to children. No one would want to read to children unless they had some kind of sneaky motive. The books that children read are very simple. A man rides a train. A couple of farm animals go on an adventure. I am not a simpleton. One dimensional stories do not excite me like they do Carole. That's why I much prefer the movies. Reading is for people who cannot afford the movies. And children do not like the movies, so I can't be bothered to spend time with them. But irregardless of my position she made me feel quite selfish. I am now searching for a way to make myself feel like I am giving back. Although no one really gave me much, except Humphrey when he died. But that was earned income as far as I am concerned. Giving back does not feel necessary. But perhaps it will stifle this string of bad luck.

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Crazy Drivers

I hate driving. I think only lunatics drive. I hate taking the bus also. I stay at home much of the time. A have a friend, Carole, who drives. But she makes me so nervous when she is behind the wheel. Sometimes she screams at other drivers and shakes her fist. And then she is upset for hours and hours and can't stop talking about the other driver. And I tell her, I say "Carole, don't let it ruin your day." But she does let it ruin her day. And then, to be honest, it ruins my day. Because I hate listening to Carole talk. She is one of those friends that you like because she is always around. She never has any place to be so she is very accessible. However, hearing her blather on about her kids, and her divorce, and other people's driving. Sometimes it isn't worth it. I think I have a lot of interesting stories. I have a lot of felines and they are always doing something funny. The other day I put a hat on one and then a hat on another one and then I took a picture of them.

I like to draw my cats. I think I am a pretty good drawer. You don't see many drawings of cats these days. Cat drawings were very popular when I was growing up. I used to be so jealous of my friends who had cat drawings in their house. They were always so fancy. I was pretty fancy, but not cat drawing fancy. The minute I could pick up a pencil I was drawing birds. You can't go straight to drawing cats. It is a skill you must acquire. Birds are the first step to mastering cat drawings. First birds, then dogs, then squirrels, then fish, then elephants, back to birds, then different birds, then planes, then people, then houses, then teddy bears, and then and only then cats. I skipped a few steps so my whiskers are never straight. If I could do it again I would have gone through the proper steps. As it stands now I can't display my cat drawings.

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Hipsters. What are they?

I keep hearing the word 'hipster' a lot. What are hipsters? Why do they wear so much flannel and over sized glasses? I have observed these young flannel wearers when I venture out for coffee. I usually like to stay in and make my own coffee. I have a very expensive french cafe press and the coffee tastes very good from it. I don't know how to use it. I have to call Carole over to make it. But she does a good job at it, and I think she likes feeling useful. She hasn't felt as useful since the divorce. She doesn't work, so she has no reason to really ever feel useful. I never feel useful and I am quite happy.

In my day we called these type of youngsters 'draft dodgers' or 'gays.' But now they are called hipsters. I suppose it is because they wear their pants so tight you can see their hips. I wore a pair of tight pants once and I received a lot of unwanted attention. People told me to "change my pants" and they said things like "don't wear your pants so tight." I didn't like all the attention so I didn't wear tight pants again. Although it was nice to meet new people. Humphrey always said that "A new friend was like a new girdle. You can't squeeze your fatass in one, so don't bother." He said it a lot. I am really glad he's dead.

My woe with toe nails

Why do toe nails exist? What do they do? I don't believe that God would make something on the body to be purely decorative, except breasts of course. But toe nails seem to really only be good for painting.

Eating Candy

Eating candy without looking like a pervert is very hard to do. I have seen many women sucking on their candies or making pornographic groans as they enjoy a creamy chocolate candy. Candies are delicious. And in that way there is a certain pornographic element attached to eating candy. I choose to eat most of my candy in private. I go to the farthest room off the living room and turn off all the lights, shut the blinds and eat my candy. I live alone, but it is still a concern. Sometimes Carole will bring over some candy and she expects me to eat it in front of her. I think Carole might be a lesbian, but this is not confirmed.

If you MUST eat candy in front of company, then you must do so in the least pornographic way possible. First, look at the candy like it is a naughty child. If I were to have said a naughty husband, this could be construed as pornographic. I can truthfully say that I never looked at Humphrey in a pornographic way when he acted dis-pleasingly. But I have seen people on TV who are mad at each other and then all of a sudden they are kissing, and touching, and groaning. And many people watch TV, so you never know if they will take a look of displeasure the wrong way.

I then begin to examine my candy. I think about how many hands touched my candy. I look for any imperfections on my candy's surface. I try not to think about any rodents that may have been in contact with my candy, that tends to make me feel physically ill, which may be just as bad as enjoying the candy too much. Once I have turned myself off to the candy, I place it in my mouth and swallow it whole. If you have not tasted the candy at all, you have done it correctly.

Monday, July 9, 2012

Fanny Attack

As you may have guessed, I keep myself in very good shape. I am slightly overweight, but that can't be helped. I am, however, very healthy and enjoy taking exercise classes at least twice a month. I take a certain class that consists of lots of dancing movements. It is one of those Body classes that Les Mills designed. I don't know anything about Les Mills, but I like to think that he looks like the man in the juicer commercials. The one who was pretty old and recently died. But in the commercials he wore a shirt that showed off his muscles and it was amazing how strong he was. My friend, Carole, told me the shirt had muscles built in. I said to Carole, "this isn't the year 2030, and he isn't a moon man!" We both laughed. But there were a few girls in high school who put socks in their bras, so I guess you could do the same to a shirt.

Anywho, I was at the gym and this very curvacious African American woman was wearing very short shorts. They were very short. I saw the curves of her buttocks. It seemed inappropriate. I thought someone might ask her to leave, but no one did so I ignored it. I did stare a lot. Then we began to dance and I was distracted from the woman with the short shorts. I can't do all the moves but I am pretty good. I like to stand up front so I can see the teacher. I think other people appreciate being able to follow me as well. If I mess up I just run in place. I would say about one third of the time I run in place. But most people are running in place. I assume. Then the woman in the short shorts dropped something. And I said to myself, "go figure, there is no room for pockets in those short shorts." But then she bent over. And you will not believe it. But I saw more of her bottom and the outline of her other bit. I shook my head. Other people laughed at her fumbling for her dropped item. But I was embarrassed. Some things should be private.

Then I saw a woman walk by and another woman whispered that she had anorexia. I don't understand all these medical eating disorders these days. When I was young if we wanted to lose weight we would just stop eating. Or we would throw the food up. Then a week later we could fit into the dress we were looking at. Problem solved.

Sunday, July 8, 2012

Eat With Your Mouth Closed

You must eat with your mouth closed. I can't emphasize this enough. If you eat with your mouth open people will see the food you are eating.

Dating in the Modern World

My girlfriend Carole recently asked my advice on dating. I don't usually discuss such tawdry matters in public, so we went to a more private part of the house. Carole is a divorcee. I am not one of those women who would disassociate with a person after they do something against God. However, you can't just quit something that is hard. If you make a commitment to someone then you have to stay with them. Even if they repulse you later in life. Even if they develop a strange smell and start wearing rainbow jumpsuits. It may not be something you had predicted would happen, but it happened and it is your responsibility to see it through. My husband passed away eight years ago. It is so much classier to call yourself a widow than a divorcee. Of course, I can't ever be with another man. It wouldn't look right, but I do get to have much more freedom than I did when Humphrey was alive. I can make phone calls whenever I want. Although as a rule I don't call people after 7:30pm. I also can wear lavender, which Humphrey called "a whore's color." In some respects I was lucky. I suppose I will have an eternity with Humphrey after death. But I can only imagine that God has some sort of dress code.

So back to Carole. She wants to date men now. Very tawdry. She doesn't have any children, so she does not need to worry about exposing her children to a sexual brigade of anonymous men. But she does have neighbors and of course there are so many semen diseases now. You have to be very careful. Carole is thinking about using the internet to find a man. When she told me this I could not help but laugh. The internet is great for finding adventurous shrimp salad recipes, but it is no place to find a man. Some of these internet matching sites are like a sex parade. You cannot find a good man that way. I suggested taking an automotive class. There are many men learning about the automotive industry. I have also seen many men playing sports. I suggested Carole begin attending baseball games and distributing lemonade to the players. You can also find a lot of men at gymnasiums. If she were to stand outside of a gymnasium I am sure she would meet a nice man. I met Humphrey at a pants store, which is another good place to meet men. I do confess, it wasn't happenstance. My mother was getting worried that I would end up alone, so I would sit in front of the pants store for three hours a day in my finest dress and wait for men to talk to me. Humphrey is the first man to talk to me, and from there the rest is history.

Saturday, July 7, 2012

Cyber world here I come!

Greetings, I am Lady Butterpants. I know, such a silly name. But I take it quite seriously. I believe when your parents name you they have something in mind for you. They want you to DO something or BE something. I would say that in my life the most gentlemanly men have been named 'Herman.' I think when you name your son 'Herman' you expect him to be a gentleman. For example, 'Rodney' is a playful name. I would expect all the 'Rodneys' in the world to wear shorts and play some sort of ball game. If you want your child to become some sort of low life then you would name them something very short like 'Ben' or 'Ted.' Oh please, yes I know that 'Ben' and 'Ted' are short for longer names. But the point is, no one calls them 'Benjamin' or 'Theodore.' The parents of these children allowed them to abbreviate their names and now I am sure that they are some sort of blue collar worker living paycheck to paycheck. They probably steal as well. Most 'Ben' and 'Ted's' do. So when my parents gave me the great responsibility of the name 'Lady,' I took it quite seriously. I always wear a dress. Never a skirt. If you wear a skirt then you must be wearing some sort of mannish shirt. And I do not like that at all. I prefer a dress with at least 3 bows. But never in the back. I feel that bows on the back of one's dress are very cheap looking. Yes, my parents instilled in me a great deal of responsibility with the name 'Lady.' 'Butterpants', as you can imagine, is an old family name. It has changed slightly from my ancestor's 'Butrepantes' when we immigrated to this Country some 200 years ago from Muldova. My family is filled with so much rich history! My father and I planted an actual family tree that we would hang pictures of family members from when I was a little girl. I used to sit under the tree and imagine what it would be like to live 200 years ago. It seems like as long as you had some money and were white, it would be a pretty great life. But enough day dreaming. I live in the 21st Century, and as such my girlfriend Carole persuaded me to start a blog. Because I have a lot of opinions on things. Friends ask me my opinion all the time, and sometimes I give the same opinion over and over again because it applies to several different situations. I am excited to share my thoughts with you, internet friends.