Eating Candy

Eating candy without looking like a pervert is very hard to do. I have seen many women sucking on their candies or making pornographic groans as they enjoy a creamy chocolate candy. Candies are delicious. And in that way there is a certain pornographic element attached to eating candy. I choose to eat most of my candy in private. I go to the farthest room off the living room and turn off all the lights, shut the blinds and eat my candy. I live alone, but it is still a concern. Sometimes Carole will bring over some candy and she expects me to eat it in front of her. I think Carole might be a lesbian, but this is not confirmed.

If you MUST eat candy in front of company, then you must do so in the least pornographic way possible. First, look at the candy like it is a naughty child. If I were to have said a naughty husband, this could be construed as pornographic. I can truthfully say that I never looked at Humphrey in a pornographic way when he acted dis-pleasingly. But I have seen people on TV who are mad at each other and then all of a sudden they are kissing, and touching, and groaning. And many people watch TV, so you never know if they will take a look of displeasure the wrong way.

I then begin to examine my candy. I think about how many hands touched my candy. I look for any imperfections on my candy's surface. I try not to think about any rodents that may have been in contact with my candy, that tends to make me feel physically ill, which may be just as bad as enjoying the candy too much. Once I have turned myself off to the candy, I place it in my mouth and swallow it whole. If you have not tasted the candy at all, you have done it correctly.