Television

I enjoy watching television. Some people watch too much television. I understand that it can consume a person's day easily. I often limit myself to 2-3 hours per evening. If I have a lot to do during the day, I will also limit my afternoon allotment to 2-3 hours and my morning allotment to the same. Some of the people on television have very erratic behavior. They say things like, "you are a bitch." And "I will slap your face." And also, "That hair is not your own, it is synthetic and I plan to take it from your head at some point." It is very emotional.

I often wonder where the people on television live? Do they all live together? I would like to think that if I was on television I would behave more appropriately. It would be hard, as I do not eat in public nor do I like to see photographs of myself. But I would feel a sense of pride being a role model for younger persons. It is important that younger persons know that there are some people who wear shirts with bows and who know better than to talk to those in lower status positions then themselves. Also, that you can't expect to walk everywhere and that it is especially important to find a suitor with a great deal of means. Carole told me I should start an article where I impart the dos and don'ts of behavior to younger persons. She got so excited about the idea that she hugged me. Furthering my evidence that Carole is indeed a lesbian.

What's For Dinner

When I wake up in the morning I begin to think about dinner. I enjoy discussing the options in my head before I commit to one dish. If my day is particularly bad, I may treat myself to something delicious. If my day has gone rather well then I sometimes I like to compliment my day with something delicious. Often times my day is just so-so. This is where the real planning must begin. A so-so day does not necessarily demand a delicious treat. However, a so-so day may also quickly turn into a terrible day if coupled with a distasteful or bland supper.

My day today consisted of buying pants. I enjoying buying pants. Often my friend Carole will accompany me. A so-so day of pant shopping may turn into a tremendous day if Carole tags along. Mostly because Carole is quite fat. Much fatter than me. When shopping with someone much fatter than yourself you can rest assured that your fat friend will be quite jealous of your size and your general ability to fit into pants. Many pants do not fit Carole and I can tell she is ashamed of it. If there is a pant that does not carry her size or she cannot fit into I like to try them on and show her what they would look like on her is she wasn't so fat. I say, "stand next to me Carole and imagine you are wearing these pants you are too fat for."

Carole is not with me today buying pants, so it is less of a good day and more a so-so day. I also am not sure what color pants I want. Whether or not they should have a pattern or if they should extend to my ankles or to my calves. I am quite indecisive today which will make it much harder to decide on my dinner choice. Perhaps I should only focus on dinner and save the pant store for another day. A so-so day takes much more planning. Besides, a pants day without Carole is no pants day at all.

Baby Powder

My morning routine consists of many agenda items. First, I must put my pillow case in the wash. Even though Humphrey is dead, I still feel uncomfortable about the stains on the case. You see, I leave my makeup on during the evening. Humphrey used to wake up during the night and mistake me for his friend Sal when I slept without makeup. Then, in his haziness he would go on and on about "good old days" stories. And it seems him and Sal shared a girl named Beatrice that he recounted in some detail to me. Then, he would often hold me very close and sob. I did not like being mistaken for his old friend Sal. Married couples should keep a fair amount of secrets between each other and Sal and him had none.

After I put my pillow case in the laundry, I touch up my makeup and wash myself with a damp cloth. Then, I cover my body with baby powder. Many people do not know that baby powder is an essential beauty tool. It eliminates odor, prevents chaffing, and keeps one's body youthful. Very similar to a baby. You would not know it to look at my naked body, but my body looks like a teenagers. It is maybe larger and has more wrinkles than a teenagers. It may have more bumps and hairs than a teenagers. I haven't seen a teenagers naked body for a while. But it looks like a teenagers.

Menses

I stopped getting my menses quite some time ago. I believe my body ceased producing eggs once Humphrey died. It knew there was no point anymore. There was really no point to begin with as I find children unbearable, but perhaps my body did not communicate with my brain in that regard. Humphrey always wanted children. He would always ask me "why I was so barren?" And "what's going on with my empty uterus?" He wanted me to visit a doctor. I refused. Doctor's are very helpful with things like sneezes and warts, but not for lady problems. A man trying to fix a lady problem! I have never heard of such nonsense. And besides, I rarely let Humphrey take a look at my lady parts. I certainly wasn't going to let some old man doctor inside there.

In reality, I was happy that my uterus refused to conceive. I hated Humphrey so and the thought that a part of him would outlive me was too much to bear. Don't get me wrong, I didn't know for sure that he would die before me. But I had my suspicions. One, he was extremely fat. And two, sometimes I poisoned him. Not a lot, just sometimes he wanted me to take trips with him or do something "as a couple" so I would agree but then slip a little poison in his dinner the night before so he would be too sick to go.

I thought my menses were coming back. I felt a terrible pain in my stomach. I couldn't eat and sitting was uncomfortable. I phoned my friend Carole who thought it was absurd that my menses would return. She laughed and laughed. I hate Carole so much. The pain was so terrible that I had to spend the entire day on my back, in front of a fan, with a cold compress on my head. I realized later that it was the result of a sit-up I had done earlier that morning.

Hair Cut

Today I received a hair cut. Well, in truth, I like to have my hair cut everyday. I believe a woman's hair should extend 2 inches past her shoulders. Any less and she looks too mannish and anymore she looks like a whore. I was adventurous once and decided to cut my hair very short. It was all the fashion in those days. A short bob, or a flip do, or a springy marguerite. The springy marguerite was especially difficult to attain. You would sleep in your curlers with slightly damp hair overnight. Then in the morning you would brush it all out. Then you would take two strands of hair on either sides of your face and curl them tightly with a hot press curler. You would let them stand for at least one hour and then brush them out as well. The girls with springy marguerites were very popular. My mother told me that a springy marguerite was an "invitation for sin." My mother would examine my hair every morning to make sure it did not resemble a springy marguerite. She measured it's length, ensuring it sent the right message to any male suitors. Then she covered my hair with a scarf and sometimes insisted I wear a hat as well.

When I married Humphrey and left my mother's house I decided to cut my hair very short. When Humphrey saw my hair he called me a lesbian. He then called me fat and later called me a lesbian again. Humphrey made me wear a wig to bed as he said that if he woke up next to a woman with short hair he might mistake her for a man and smother her. He preferred that I wear a red wig. Which I did not like because he often wanted to engage sexually with me when I wore it. I eventually cut the red wig short as to inhibit any unwarranted advances.

Turn That Frown Upside

Today someone told me that my ankles looked suspiciously large. It was my doctor. Apparently a person's ankles should not widen past the width of the same person's thighs. I thought that this measurement hinted at a bit of pseudo-science, witch-doctor, pyramid scheme, mumbo jumbo. But when the doctor's face grew grave and I saw tears forming in his eyes, I thought I had better listen to what he had to say.

Then the doctor said I should lose some weight. He said that I should stop drinking so much sherry before bed and in the morning and before doctor's appointments. Then he printed out some young person's diet I am to follow. I felt very betrayed by this doctor, who is Saul's nephew's friend, basically a relative. And what's worse, he asked me to disrobe! Do you think I am overweight or do you want to have a good, hard look at the goodies? It was rather confusing.

At the end of the day, I have learned a couple things from my experience with "doctor" Morningside. The first is that larger ankles are more sturdy for walking and especially good for sitting, which is what I use them for most. Also, Saul and I need to have a long discussion about this new younger man in my life with a penchant for large ankles.

Working

Working is for poor people. I know, I know. That is an obvious observation. But when people with any self respect try and work it never ends up quite right. I recently entered the job market. My first attempt at employment was working for this very fat, small man who would constantly give me things to do. Sometimes I did not want to do the things he requested. For example, calling people on the telephone. If someone wants to talk to me they call me. End of story. I am not going to intrude on someone else's' privacy by calling them on the telephone. And in the middle of the day. No, no, no, no. I wasn't raised that way. I was raised to call people at 4pm. Only. This is right before dinner and one to three hours into cocktail time. This way whoever you are calling is in the right frame of mind to receive whatever news you have, good or bad.

Also, this fat small man always stunk of soup. But he did eat a lot of soup. I also like soup, but only creamed corn soup, which is essentially creamed corn with more cream. Today I begin employment at an animal shelter. I hate animals. But I do like certain animal prescriptions, so I am hopeful.